What the Hell?
by Evil Serpent Goddess
Summary: bits of story with a plot interrupted by insanity, please read
1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. JK does and she can keep him.  
  
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14 years before the start of the story  
  
Voldemort walks to the Potter's house with a large snake beside him. Not to long before they reached the house, the snake turned into a woman.  
  
Woman: "Father, why?"  
  
Voldemort: "Why what, Veronica?"  
  
Veronica: "Why must you kill the Potter boy? He's only a baby!"  
  
Voldemort: "It's out of your hands, my sweet."  
  
Veronica: "Probably part of your stupid plan to conquer death. Death, pain, why? You can conquer death, and be great without such evil."  
  
Voldemort: "It's to late for that, sweet, even if I wanted to."  
  
When they reached their destination, Voldemort entered. From her position, Veronica could hear every sound. She dared not interfere; her father's temper was fierce. When she heard the killing curse backfire, she knew that it was the end of her father, for now at least. She ran in, tears streaming down her face. As she passed James's body, she cried harder. When she reached the room where Lily's body and Harry lay, she was trembling, hardly able to hold herself up. She looked at the crying boy. He cried harder as she picked him up. Veronica pulled a bottle out of her cloak and poured it on the cut on his forehead, cleaning it. She wiped the excess blood away. Just then she heard the roaring of a motorcycle. Sirius. She changed back into a serpent and slithered as far away from the house as she could.  
  
That summer at the Dersley's went particularly bad. About three weeks before school was to start, Dudley mysteriously changed into a girl. Mistaking this for a spell of Harry's, an infuriated Uncle Vernon and a troubled (in more ways than one) Aunt Petunia locked Harry in his cupboard for a week, only allowing small, scheduled breaks for things suck as showers, and sliding small amounts of food through a newly created slot. Shortly after he was released, Uncle Vernon also changed. Harry was surprised to find that he now had an Aunt Vernon. He was locked up the remainder of the summer.  
  
As usual, they all crowded into the Great Hall. Harry saw a new face at the teacher's table. She had long blond hair and deep blue eyes. Shortly following the sorting, Dumbledore made his announcements. Dumbledore: "Due to unfortunate events last year, we have been forced to find yet another teacher to fill the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Professor Snape has requested the job. The new Potions teacher will be Professor Soratah.." Just then, there was loud thunder and a bright flash of lightning. Then there was laughter from the Slytherin table. When Harry looked over, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle had all changed into girls. The other houses started laughing as well. Malfoy looked like a very unattractive veela with his long hair. Snape looked like he was going to cry if he didn't start laughing out loud. Dumbledore sent the three to the hospital wing.  
  
Ron: *rolling around on the floor laughing* "That was.the funniest thing.I ever saw. in my entire life!  
  
Hermione: *disgusted* "Get in your seat, Ron"  
  
Ron: *still laughing* "Make me!"  
  
Their first potions class went quite strangely, as Professor Soratah kept murmuring, "Severus-ai", and no one seemed to know what she was talking about.  
  
Ron: *whispers to Harry* "What is she saying?"  
  
Harry: "I don't know. I only know who she's talking about."  
  
Hermione: *smirking in a satisfied way*  
  
Ron: "What are you smirking about?"  
  
Hermione: *still smirking* "Nothing."  
  
Ron: "I'll bet, you know something I don't."  
  
Hermione: "Yup. I know what she's saying. I just remembered. I read it once."  
  
Ron: "What?"  
  
Hermione: "'Severus-ai' means 'Severus-love.'"  
  
Harry: "She's in love with Snape?  
  
Hermione: "Yup."  
  
Ron: "Bad taste, if you ask me."  
  
Hermione: "He's not that bad."  
  
Ron: "Him too? Last year Vicky, this year Snape. Who's next, Dumbldore?"  
  
Hermione: "Don't call him Vicky! " *WHACK, hits him with her wand*  
  
Ron: "OUCH! That hurt!"  
  
Soratah: "What, is going on back there?"  
  
Hermione and Ron: "Nothing."  
  
Soratah: *suspicious look*  
  
  
  
In the middle of Defense Against the Dark Arts, There was more thunder and lightning. The Slytherins started laughing and pointing at Harry. Then he realized he had long hair and a figure, he had somehow turned into a girl.  
  
Molfoy: "Harriet Potter, Harriet Potter!"  
  
Harry: "Shut up, Dana"  
  
Malfoy sprang on him, er, her, and when Snape finally separated them, he took twenty points from Gryffindor.  
  
Ron: "But..."  
  
Snape: "Silence, or I will take another twenty."  
  
When they left Defense Against the Dark Arts, Ron was disgruntled about the points, Harry was disturbed about being female (Malfoy still snickering didn't help), and Hermione was determined to find the cause  
  
Hermione: "Harry, I do think you should consider a more feminine name."  
  
Ron: "Yeah, and you'll need new Quidditch robes..."  
  
Harry*et*: "Shut up Ron"  
  
Fred and George: "Harry, your dad must be turning in his grave-er, that was really tactless, wasn't it?"  
  
Harry*et*: *grave silence*  
  
Hermione: "C'mon, Harry, It can't be that bad"  
  
Harry: "That's easy for you to say, you've been female all you're life"  
  
Hermione: "Yeah, and I enjoy it. I mean, apart from...certain things...it's BETTER to be female. you end up less egoistic, for one thing"  
  
When they arrived at the library, Victor Krum was sitting there.  
  
Hermione: "Vicky!"(Hermione bashing)"What are you doing here?!"  
  
Ron: looking sulky  
  
Victor: "I don't vant to tell you just yet, Herm-own-ninny"  
  
Ron: "Get away from my girl!!!" **blushing** "I mean, I mean..."  
  
Harry: "Why not?"  
  
Victor: "Who is this?"  
  
Hermione, Ron: Looking at Harry "Er"  
  
Harry: "Harry Potter"  
  
Victor: "You have got to be kidding"  
  
Ron: "Nope, and the Slytherins gave us heck about it."  
  
Victor: "But, Harry Potter is, vell, male."  
  
Hermione: "Ron! You swore!"  
  
Ron: "No I didn't!"  
  
Hermione: "Yes you did!"  
  
Ron: "No I didn't!"  
  
Harry*et*: "Guys, quiet, please"  
  
Hermione: *annoyed look*  
  
Victor: *walks out of room utterly confused*more thunder & lightning*  
  
Harry*et*, Ron, Hermione: "uh oh"  
  
Victor: looks at himself and faints  
  
Harry*et*: "I think we have a Victoria."  
  
Hermione: "Poor Vicky"  
  
Ron: "Not him again"  
  
Hermione: "What do you mean 'not him again'?"  
  
Ron: "Nothing."  
  
Hermione: *stopping* "No, what do you mean 'not him again'?"  
  
Ron: *also stopping* "Nothing!"  
  
Hermione: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NOT HIM AGAIN'?! NEVER TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT VICKY!"*tries to hit him on the head with a book but he blocks it with his wand* *SNAP*  
  
Ron: "YOU BROKE MY WAND, YOU BROKE MY WAND!"  
  
Hermione: "Insult Vicky again and I'll break more than that!"  
  
Ron: "Are you threatening me?"  
  
Hermione: "No, I'm warning you."  
  
Harry*et*: *walks away and leaves the two to argue*  
  
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Weird, REVIEW! 


	2. Fredrica and Gorgette

Me no own Harry Potter, don't sue  
  
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When they reached the Charms classroom Ron and Hermione were still sore at each other, and Professor Flitwick was standing on a floating board, trying to heighten himself. When he started talking, the board tipped and he fell off. Hermione rushed over to help him.  
  
Hermione: "Professor, are you all right?"  
  
Flitwick: "No. I fell off a board, what do you think?"  
  
Hermione: "Hm" *walks back to her desk, whispers to Harry*et** "Rude. I think that fall damaged his brain. It was a long fall, for him."  
  
Harry*et*: "Hermione! I never heard talk like that about a teacher!"  
  
Hermione: "Well, he was quite rude."  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in the common room when Fred and George burst in. They too were victims of the current plague.  
  
Fred: "Heya, Harriet"  
  
Harriet: "Frederica?"  
  
Fred: "The heck????"  
  
Harriet: **coughing fit** "I mean, FRED, have you, er, looked at your HAIR in a while??"  
  
Fred: "Whaaaaaa??"  
  
Harriet: **coughing** "Well, you might want to..."  
  
Ron: "Hey, GeorgETTE, what's Mum gonna think of your new hairstyle?"  
  
George: "H-Hair? Hair? **pulls his long braid over his shoulder** MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione: *trying not to laugh, but smiling*  
  
Fred: **Similar reaction**  
  
Harriet: "Welcome to the club, guys. Krum, too."  
  
Fred: "Victor Krum?"  
  
Harriet: "Yup, he's, er, she's here too."  
  
George: "He, she is?"  
  
Hermione: *smiling* "Yup."  
  
Fred: "Where?"  
  
George: "Yea, where?"  
  
Ron: "We don't think we'll tell you."  
  
Fred, George: "Please."  
  
Hermione: "Why do you want to know?"  
  
George: "We've got to see Krum as a girl."  
  
Hermione: "I don't know why you would. It makes no sense."  
  
Ron: "Something just occurred to me."  
  
Everyone (in their little group): "What?"  
  
Ron: "Actually, several things. Hermione, you have a little crush on Victor right? But now he's a girl, so."  
  
Hermione: *whacks him in the head with her wand and walks out of the room*  
  
Ron: "OW! What did I do?!"  
  
Harriet: "Hermione seems to be hitting you a lot lately. What else occurred to you?"  
  
Ron: "Well, involving your love life, Harriet, almost the same problem."  
  
Harriet: "What?"  
  
Ron: "Cho."  
  
Harriet: "Eww, we have a problem"  
  
Ron: "You have a problem."  
  
Fred*erica*: "What else?"  
  
Ron: "Aaaaaahh!" *falls backward in chair*still lying face-up in chair* "Ow. I am NOT used to a female Fred."  
  
Ron: *still lying on his back* "I seem to be the only male in this room. I think you three are going to have to sleep in the girls dormitory now."  
  
Harriet: "Let me help you up, Ron." *leans over Ron and helps him up*  
  
Ron: *stands a few moments an falls back next to the chair* thinks: 'I never noticed that Harry was so beautiful' (A/N: keke, that was fun)  
  
Their next potions class was equally as strange as the first. Today Soratah kept looking anxiously out the door, and spilling potions ingredients. When she accidentally knocked over one of one of Harriet's and looked at her, Harriet saw an eerie combination of sympathy and anger on her face before they both knelt down to clean up the mess.  
  
Soratah: "Go back to your work, I'll clean."  
  
Harriet: *goes back to her work*  
  
Hermione: "What was that, the look on her face. And she knew you, even though you're a girl now."  
  
Harriet: "Maybe it's the scar."  
  
Hermione "No, Not that. It looked as if she would know you even if you were an insect. She knows you, Harriet, no matter what." (A/N: okay, that was bad, but I had to make a point)  
  
Harriet: "But how? How could someone I didn't even know existed know me so well?"  
  
Hermione: "I don't know."  
  
Ron: "This is creepy."  
  
Harriet: "Yea, creepy, but true."  
  
Ron: "What is she staring at? What's out in the hall?"  
  
Harriet: "I think we should go find out, tonight"  
  
They went back to the library. The female Victor Krum was slouching around looking worried.  
  
Hermione: "Vicky, what's the matter?"  
  
Victor*ia*: "Besides the fact that I'm a girl, Fleur is coming, too"  
  
Harriet: *panicking* "Fleur, too? We're in no condition to be seen by Fleur!"  
  
Hermione: *enjoys watching Harriet and Victor*ia* run around like chickens with their heads cut off*little twinkle in her eyes* "How's she going to know it's you?"  
  
Harriet and Victor*ia*: *stop bewildered, start running like chickens with there heads cut off again* (A/N: don't ask, I was sugar high when I wrote this)  
  
Three hours later, when Harriet had calmed down and Hermione had researched a bit, they went to the Gryffindor Tower to get Harriet's invisibility cloak. Ron waited in the common room while Harriet and Hermione went to the girl's dormitory to get the necessary items.  
  
When they returned, they all sat by the fire to wait until the common room emptied. When it did, the set off towards the potions room. They found Soratah flipping through a book near the bookcase she had added to the room. The walked in silently and looked out into the hall. Just then, Dumbledore walked in. Soratah turned.  
  
Soratah: "Oh, hello Professor."  
  
Dumbledore (A/N: or is it?): *rushes up and flings his arms around Soratah*  
  
Snape: *bursts in*says some sort of spell and Dumbledore flies across the room* *cheapie romantic music plays in the background*  
  
Soratah: *rushes up and flings her arms around Snape's neck*dreamily* "Oh, Severus"  
  
Snape: *thoroughly confused, walks out of room*  
  
Soatah: "Don't leave me, my love!"  
  
Snape: *walks faster* Harriet, Ron and Hermione: *mentally* _Oooookaay_  
  
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I know, that was weird, and awful, review! 


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